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Plastic Army Men

Some plastic army men were the very essence of heroism and fury, injection-molded into an easy, pocket-size form. Others, not so much.

Just The Facts

  1. If you didn’t have Plastic Army Men growing up, you turned out to be a sociopath.
  2. If you’re saying “well, that’s not true!” or “but we were poor!” right now, you should know denial and justification are both sociopathic traits.
  3. Authorities have been notified.

The Rules of the Game

For a toy that’s been around so long, there surprisingly still seems to be no consensus on what the rules (if any) are for Plastic Army Men battles.

Some common challenges:

  • No – he can’t die because he was behind this stick.
  • Why are you making machine gun noises when he’s got a flame-thrower?
  • No but wait, my tank got in the way (move tank in the way).
  • You can’t kill him because he’s my captain and you can’t kill captains because they’re stronger than the others and anyway he’s on a secret mission so actually your guy is shooting at nothing because my captain is hiding and he’s only pretending to be dead.
  • You’re stupid.

Some common rebuttals:

  • No, you’re stupid.
  • I’m tired, let’s make peace.
  • I hate you !

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